Today was a beautiful day spent hiking on the slopes of a mountain trail. So many colourful flowers and interesting rocks, sometimes Mother Nature astounds me.
But this hike was even more interesting than any of my previous hikes in that I decided to share my special place, my peice of heaven, with Rango. You see hiking is something I like doing, not something that Rango would specifically do, but he made a compromise and joined me. For me hiking is very therapeutic. It is almost as if with each step you take you are letting go of the old and accepting the new. I also think the subconscious deals with the weeks events and replays conversations whilst the body is in transit, which allows for clearer thinking and new perspective. Or perhaps it's just the clean, fresh mountain air or combination thereof.
We took our two little furry babies with us which made it even more special. They had the opportunity to run free because of the isolation of the reserve. To watch their glee, curiosity and pure joy at being liberated from their shackles and delight their senses is something incredible to observe. They truly are mans best friend and lifelong companions. Willing to walk by your side no matter what! All the while the bond between man and dog strengthing. Hiking is a very healing and intimate process to share with your companions, whether they be human or animal and I for one am happy to say that we did it.
Back at my "holiday" apartment I have calculated that I have less than two weeks rental time left and need to start considering in earnest what my next move will be. Do I move back home and try to start again? Will relations revert to old "die hard" habits or will we have found a new connection now? Will the space and energy have had enough time to heal and accept our newly established boundareis? All these questions are difficult to answer with the mind, one needs to listen very closely and very quietly to the heart to hear the answer.......... So my next quest is to start Transcendental Meditation. I will let you know how this experience plays out in posts yet to come.
Good night dear readers. May your week be kind to you and may you find beauty in the small things that really count the most.
Sunday 27 January 2013
Friday 25 January 2013
Friday Nights
It's weird you know. Ever since my separation I have spent every Friday night by myself, at home reading or phaffing over something or other. I thought that I would choose to be out and about, socializing and having fun but its been quite the opposite. I have become accustomed to my own company and the silence that permeates my evenings in my little "holiday" apartment.
Tonight I decided to go to gym to while away the hours. Something I have been doing quite a bit of in the last three weeks but previously couldn't find a spare moment for. I have been pondering why this could be and what changes within me that I feel more free to do these things when alone. The only cause I can think of is that I feel responsible for only myself whilst living alone whereas in my marital home, I feel the full weight of all my responsibilities and somehow feel guilty for taking time out for myself. This is something I need to work on, especially if I am to return to my marriage and make it work. I have to be able to continue putting myself first to allow for our marriage to survive. Strange dichotomy that.
On the other hand, I may discover that I want to remain in a place of my own and perhaps just "date" my husband again for a while. I wonder what societies rules are for that? It would no doubt seem very strange to others that Rango and I are married yet live in separate homes. I wonder if there are any precedents for this sort of thing? I guess it doesn't really matter what others think, it's all about what's best for us and what makes us happy. Nevertheless, I would be interested to hear if anyone has ever tried this out and what the outcome was.
Tomorrow marks the second session of our Imago Relationship Therapy session and I am eager to see how this pans out. The first one went well with Rango and I having to engage what is called the Couples Dialogue. Essentially it facilitates the one partner entering your realm to have a better understanding of how he/she feels about a certain issue and for the learning partner to truly empathize. It was ground breaking stuff but we lost the connection as soon as we went our separate ways again. I am hoping tomorrow will be different as we have decided to spend the afternoon and evening together so we will have hopefully maximized the full potential of the session. I will keep you posted on the results.
Until the next post dear readers, stay well and have a wonderful weekend. Remember to appreciate each moment you have, the good and the bad, for the most growth is found in the most difficult of situations.
Ciao and good night!
Tonight I decided to go to gym to while away the hours. Something I have been doing quite a bit of in the last three weeks but previously couldn't find a spare moment for. I have been pondering why this could be and what changes within me that I feel more free to do these things when alone. The only cause I can think of is that I feel responsible for only myself whilst living alone whereas in my marital home, I feel the full weight of all my responsibilities and somehow feel guilty for taking time out for myself. This is something I need to work on, especially if I am to return to my marriage and make it work. I have to be able to continue putting myself first to allow for our marriage to survive. Strange dichotomy that.
On the other hand, I may discover that I want to remain in a place of my own and perhaps just "date" my husband again for a while. I wonder what societies rules are for that? It would no doubt seem very strange to others that Rango and I are married yet live in separate homes. I wonder if there are any precedents for this sort of thing? I guess it doesn't really matter what others think, it's all about what's best for us and what makes us happy. Nevertheless, I would be interested to hear if anyone has ever tried this out and what the outcome was.
Tomorrow marks the second session of our Imago Relationship Therapy session and I am eager to see how this pans out. The first one went well with Rango and I having to engage what is called the Couples Dialogue. Essentially it facilitates the one partner entering your realm to have a better understanding of how he/she feels about a certain issue and for the learning partner to truly empathize. It was ground breaking stuff but we lost the connection as soon as we went our separate ways again. I am hoping tomorrow will be different as we have decided to spend the afternoon and evening together so we will have hopefully maximized the full potential of the session. I will keep you posted on the results.
Until the next post dear readers, stay well and have a wonderful weekend. Remember to appreciate each moment you have, the good and the bad, for the most growth is found in the most difficult of situations.
Ciao and good night!
Thursday 24 January 2013
Sometimes ....
Life can feel as bare as this tree when compared to the lush flora and fauna that surround it. But if you look closely, you'll identify the beauty in its bark and remember it for its striking presence. This is the nature of my quest .....
Day ..... 17
So I've lost track of what day it is ... I had to literally count and couldn't believe it when I realized it's been more than two weeks already since I moved out of my home and left my family.
When looking back I can honestly say that there have been times when I've felt terrific but then there have been equally low times too. But I have to say that it's been great getting to know me again. It's been a long time since I've spent time with me ... And I mean the REAL me.
Having the freedom to listen to the music that I want, come home at any time without having to worry about feeding anyone, staying up late without worrying about the bedside lamp being on and eating whatever I feel like at any point of the day.
So I guess it goes without saying that when you lose track of time you are having a good time and whilst this is case in point, I have also had the pleasant and sometimes unpleasant distraction of work to help time pass quickly. Such is life! We all need to survive in this race for rodents ... Or is it? You see, experiencing freedom after conforming for so long makes you question what else you can break free from. The shackles of society start to feel virtual. Can one simply log off to feel free? Where would one find the log off button? Wish it was as simple as this but alas it's not. If you were given the opportunity to take the red or the blue pill which one would it be? Ignorance is bliss or the hard, cold responsibility of knowing?
Somehow, I think that despite how free I wish to be, my curiosity always wins ... Ignorance is something I fear ironically enough. And hence my soul searching exercise /mid life crisis ..... It's alright if you just never know but it's not alright if you know that you just never knew ..... That
mystery, that gravity toward needing to just know, is way too strong for me not to find out. So that's me in a nutshell, I would rather burn my fingers finding out that the plate was hot than never touching it and just never knowing. There are more like me, this I know .....
When looking back I can honestly say that there have been times when I've felt terrific but then there have been equally low times too. But I have to say that it's been great getting to know me again. It's been a long time since I've spent time with me ... And I mean the REAL me.
Having the freedom to listen to the music that I want, come home at any time without having to worry about feeding anyone, staying up late without worrying about the bedside lamp being on and eating whatever I feel like at any point of the day.
So I guess it goes without saying that when you lose track of time you are having a good time and whilst this is case in point, I have also had the pleasant and sometimes unpleasant distraction of work to help time pass quickly. Such is life! We all need to survive in this race for rodents ... Or is it? You see, experiencing freedom after conforming for so long makes you question what else you can break free from. The shackles of society start to feel virtual. Can one simply log off to feel free? Where would one find the log off button? Wish it was as simple as this but alas it's not. If you were given the opportunity to take the red or the blue pill which one would it be? Ignorance is bliss or the hard, cold responsibility of knowing?
Somehow, I think that despite how free I wish to be, my curiosity always wins ... Ignorance is something I fear ironically enough. And hence my soul searching exercise /mid life crisis ..... It's alright if you just never know but it's not alright if you know that you just never knew ..... That
mystery, that gravity toward needing to just know, is way too strong for me not to find out. So that's me in a nutshell, I would rather burn my fingers finding out that the plate was hot than never touching it and just never knowing. There are more like me, this I know .....
Thursday 17 January 2013
Are you a Fuser or an Isolator?
"An Isolator: someone who unconsciously pushes others away. They keep people at a distance because they need to have a "lot of space" around them; they want the freedom to come and go as they please and they don't want to be pinned down to a single relationship.
A Fuser: people who seem to have an insatiable need for closeness. Fusers want to do things together all the time. If people fail to show up at the appointed time, they feel abandoned. The thought of divorce fills them with terror. They crave physical affection and reassurance, and they often need to stay in constant verbal contact."
This is an excerpt from the beginning of the book: "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix.
Reading the above definitions and learning that most often Fusers marry Isolators, and vice verse, for the need to fulfil the part of them they have repressed through childhood experiences, has seriously opened my eyes. This very succinctly describes Rango and I and the further descriptions later on in the book only serve to reinforce my new found realisations.
I once had a party at my house that was so wonderful that when everyone left, and Rango promptly went to bed and fell asleep immediately, I found myself in a sudden and strange state of anxiety. Over what, I had no idea at all. I found myself in the kitchen eating a naartjie to try and fill some void that clearly wasn't an empty stomach but rather a sense of emptiness within me. I have no idea where the tears came from but they just jumped out at me mid-field and flowed like a ripe river in rainy season. I was so devastated that I could nothing to stop the sobbing. What made it worse was that I had no real idea why I felt so utterly and completely gutted. So I did what most Fusers would do and called a dear friend. She talked and joked and did her very best to cheer me up and try to get me to go to bed so I would come off this little self pity wobble I was on. Eventually she resorted to telling me it was that damn naartjie that made me cry and I should never have eaten it! Finally gave in and we laughed until I said goodbye and went to bed. Ever since then we have come to know the occasion as "The Nasty Naartjie Episode".
I can look back now and laugh at myself but these feelings still come up time and time again. I cannot handle the feeling that arises within me when we come to the end of an evening or event and everyone is going home. I can now attribute it to the fact that I feel abandoned. However, the book is about so much more, the essence suggesting that we seek partners that are similar to the "caretakers" (note, not necessarily parents as Freud theorised) in order to heal our childhood hurts and we unconsciously expect our partners to do this for us. When we realise this is not going to happen, we both engage in a power struggle and eventually disconnect. This is precisely where I have found myself. And this precisely explains why I have this great fear of abandonment: it has resulted from childhood experiences. Can you imagine what an epiphany this has been for me as I have hidden this knowledge from myself for over thirty years! I could not even comprehend my own behaviour before but now it all makes perfect sense.
As for the Isolator part, this describes Rango with an exactness that's eerie. Isolators come across as being less needy and almost perfectly self sufficient, yet I have known all along that is not the case. It always seemed to me to be more of an unavailability emotionally and that is exactly how Isolators become once they realise their childhood needs are not going to be fulfilled either. Isolators stem from overbearing caretakers where the child seeks autonomy to the point that he denies any need from the parent and ultimately the partner they land up with. Isolators don't seem to have any needs or desires and they tend to hide their thoughts and feelings, sometimes to the extent that even they don't know how they feel.
So what does this mean in terms of a relationship where predominantly Fusers and Isolators are attracted to each other? Ultimately the Fuser and Isolator qualities that brought the couple together are the very same qualities that can cause the relationship to self-destruct. Now there's some food for thought!
This man, Dr Hendrix, is an incredibly gifted man who has saved many marriages. I will be eternally grateful to him for writing this book. Hell, for dedicating his life to helping married couples! I feel like I have finally found the answers I have been looking for all this time. The strange thing is that when reading these words of wisdom, I knew deep inside that I already knew all of this, it was just waiting to be acknowledged by my conscious mind. Such complex and strange creatures we are. And how we manage to complicate things that on the surface seem so simple. I think more and more how life is a labyrinth and just when you think you have a handle on where you are going, you turn another hedge only to find you've gone the wrong way again. But I guess that is how we learn, like rats in lab tests through a series of process and elimination.
With that thought, it's time to eliminate the matchsticks from my eyelids and get some sleep! Good night dear friends! I hope you have found this post as helpful as I did when reading the book and if you want know more, keep reading! Or else going out and buy the book for the sake of your own personal development.
Ciao and Sleep Tight!
A Fuser: people who seem to have an insatiable need for closeness. Fusers want to do things together all the time. If people fail to show up at the appointed time, they feel abandoned. The thought of divorce fills them with terror. They crave physical affection and reassurance, and they often need to stay in constant verbal contact."
This is an excerpt from the beginning of the book: "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix.
Reading the above definitions and learning that most often Fusers marry Isolators, and vice verse, for the need to fulfil the part of them they have repressed through childhood experiences, has seriously opened my eyes. This very succinctly describes Rango and I and the further descriptions later on in the book only serve to reinforce my new found realisations.
I once had a party at my house that was so wonderful that when everyone left, and Rango promptly went to bed and fell asleep immediately, I found myself in a sudden and strange state of anxiety. Over what, I had no idea at all. I found myself in the kitchen eating a naartjie to try and fill some void that clearly wasn't an empty stomach but rather a sense of emptiness within me. I have no idea where the tears came from but they just jumped out at me mid-field and flowed like a ripe river in rainy season. I was so devastated that I could nothing to stop the sobbing. What made it worse was that I had no real idea why I felt so utterly and completely gutted. So I did what most Fusers would do and called a dear friend. She talked and joked and did her very best to cheer me up and try to get me to go to bed so I would come off this little self pity wobble I was on. Eventually she resorted to telling me it was that damn naartjie that made me cry and I should never have eaten it! Finally gave in and we laughed until I said goodbye and went to bed. Ever since then we have come to know the occasion as "The Nasty Naartjie Episode".
I can look back now and laugh at myself but these feelings still come up time and time again. I cannot handle the feeling that arises within me when we come to the end of an evening or event and everyone is going home. I can now attribute it to the fact that I feel abandoned. However, the book is about so much more, the essence suggesting that we seek partners that are similar to the "caretakers" (note, not necessarily parents as Freud theorised) in order to heal our childhood hurts and we unconsciously expect our partners to do this for us. When we realise this is not going to happen, we both engage in a power struggle and eventually disconnect. This is precisely where I have found myself. And this precisely explains why I have this great fear of abandonment: it has resulted from childhood experiences. Can you imagine what an epiphany this has been for me as I have hidden this knowledge from myself for over thirty years! I could not even comprehend my own behaviour before but now it all makes perfect sense.
As for the Isolator part, this describes Rango with an exactness that's eerie. Isolators come across as being less needy and almost perfectly self sufficient, yet I have known all along that is not the case. It always seemed to me to be more of an unavailability emotionally and that is exactly how Isolators become once they realise their childhood needs are not going to be fulfilled either. Isolators stem from overbearing caretakers where the child seeks autonomy to the point that he denies any need from the parent and ultimately the partner they land up with. Isolators don't seem to have any needs or desires and they tend to hide their thoughts and feelings, sometimes to the extent that even they don't know how they feel.
So what does this mean in terms of a relationship where predominantly Fusers and Isolators are attracted to each other? Ultimately the Fuser and Isolator qualities that brought the couple together are the very same qualities that can cause the relationship to self-destruct. Now there's some food for thought!
This man, Dr Hendrix, is an incredibly gifted man who has saved many marriages. I will be eternally grateful to him for writing this book. Hell, for dedicating his life to helping married couples! I feel like I have finally found the answers I have been looking for all this time. The strange thing is that when reading these words of wisdom, I knew deep inside that I already knew all of this, it was just waiting to be acknowledged by my conscious mind. Such complex and strange creatures we are. And how we manage to complicate things that on the surface seem so simple. I think more and more how life is a labyrinth and just when you think you have a handle on where you are going, you turn another hedge only to find you've gone the wrong way again. But I guess that is how we learn, like rats in lab tests through a series of process and elimination.
With that thought, it's time to eliminate the matchsticks from my eyelids and get some sleep! Good night dear friends! I hope you have found this post as helpful as I did when reading the book and if you want know more, keep reading! Or else going out and buy the book for the sake of your own personal development.
Ciao and Sleep Tight!
Wednesday 16 January 2013
True but so Insane!!!
"Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed."
~ Albert Einstein
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed."
~ Albert Einstein
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