"An Isolator: someone who unconsciously pushes others away. They keep people at a distance because they need to have a "lot of space" around them; they want the freedom to come and go as they please and they don't want to be pinned down to a single relationship.
A Fuser: people who seem to have an insatiable need for closeness. Fusers want to do things together all the time. If people fail to show up at the appointed time, they feel abandoned. The thought of divorce fills them with terror. They crave physical affection and reassurance, and they often need to stay in constant verbal contact."
This is an excerpt from the beginning of the book: "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix.
Reading the above definitions and learning that most often Fusers marry Isolators, and vice verse, for the need to fulfil the part of them they have repressed through childhood experiences, has seriously opened my eyes. This very succinctly describes Rango and I and the further descriptions later on in the book only serve to reinforce my new found realisations.
I once had a party at my house that was so wonderful that when everyone left, and Rango promptly went to bed and fell asleep immediately, I found myself in a sudden and strange state of anxiety. Over what, I had no idea at all. I found myself in the kitchen eating a naartjie to try and fill some void that clearly wasn't an empty stomach but rather a sense of emptiness within me. I have no idea where the tears came from but they just jumped out at me mid-field and flowed like a ripe river in rainy season. I was so devastated that I could nothing to stop the sobbing. What made it worse was that I had no real idea why I felt so utterly and completely gutted. So I did what most Fusers would do and called a dear friend. She talked and joked and did her very best to cheer me up and try to get me to go to bed so I would come off this little self pity wobble I was on. Eventually she resorted to telling me it was that damn naartjie that made me cry and I should never have eaten it! Finally gave in and we laughed until I said goodbye and went to bed. Ever since then we have come to know the occasion as "The Nasty Naartjie Episode".
I can look back now and laugh at myself but these feelings still come up time and time again. I cannot handle the feeling that arises within me when we come to the end of an evening or event and everyone is going home. I can now attribute it to the fact that I feel abandoned. However, the book is about so much more, the essence suggesting that we seek partners that are similar to the "caretakers" (note, not necessarily parents as Freud theorised) in order to heal our childhood hurts and we unconsciously expect our partners to do this for us. When we realise this is not going to happen, we both engage in a power struggle and eventually disconnect. This is precisely where I have found myself. And this precisely explains why I have this great fear of abandonment: it has resulted from childhood experiences. Can you imagine what an epiphany this has been for me as I have hidden this knowledge from myself for over thirty years! I could not even comprehend my own behaviour before but now it all makes perfect sense.
As for the Isolator part, this describes Rango with an exactness that's eerie. Isolators come across as being less needy and almost perfectly self sufficient, yet I have known all along that is not the case. It always seemed to me to be more of an unavailability emotionally and that is exactly how Isolators become once they realise their childhood needs are not going to be fulfilled either. Isolators stem from overbearing caretakers where the child seeks autonomy to the point that he denies any need from the parent and ultimately the partner they land up with. Isolators don't seem to have any needs or desires and they tend to hide their thoughts and feelings, sometimes to the extent that even they don't know how they feel.
So what does this mean in terms of a relationship where predominantly Fusers and Isolators are attracted to each other? Ultimately the Fuser and Isolator qualities that brought the couple together are the very same qualities that can cause the relationship to self-destruct. Now there's some food for thought!
This man, Dr Hendrix, is an incredibly gifted man who has saved many marriages. I will be eternally grateful to him for writing this book. Hell, for dedicating his life to helping married couples! I feel like I have finally found the answers I have been looking for all this time. The strange thing is that when reading these words of wisdom, I knew deep inside that I already knew all of this, it was just waiting to be acknowledged by my conscious mind. Such complex and strange creatures we are. And how we manage to complicate things that on the surface seem so simple. I think more and more how life is a labyrinth and just when you think you have a handle on where you are going, you turn another hedge only to find you've gone the wrong way again. But I guess that is how we learn, like rats in lab tests through a series of process and elimination.
With that thought, it's time to eliminate the matchsticks from my eyelids and get some sleep! Good night dear friends! I hope you have found this post as helpful as I did when reading the book and if you want know more, keep reading! Or else going out and buy the book for the sake of your own personal development.
Ciao and Sleep Tight!
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