Day 3

So today's been the third night on my own in this "holiday" apartment. Thank goodness the neighbors aren't fighting again tonight. That's a huge relief!

Although I feel like not much has changed in my "aloneness" (since I always felt alone when I was at home anyway), I miss Rango (my husband), home and our animals. But I have also tremendously enjoyed having the freedom to come and go as I see fit and do whatever I feel like doing at any given point in time. WOW! I cannot recall the last time I was able to do that! For the first time since my teens, I am putting me first and it feels great! For so many years people have been telling me to do this, but only now do I truly realize how precisely true this is or even fully comprehend the profound wisdom in this.

However, don't let this evangelistic behavior fool you, this new found freedom has come at a price. And it is because of this price that tonight I feel rather sad. After my initial two days of elation I have come back down to planet earth and am starting to come to terms with how sad I am at the state of the situation Rango and I have gotten into, the state of our marriage. I am saddened that my freedom meant hurting the man I love. I am saddened by the hurt this has caused my children. I am saddened at having to leave my animals and anxious that they pine for me. But mostly I am saddened that I am feeling so hurt and that I have allowed myself to be hurt, because I didn't love myself enough to stand up for myself and my needs for the last twenty years. I am sad, angry, hurt, resentful, conflicted and torn.

Through the past two days I have felt confident that Rango was committed to making things work and that he still actually cared for me. But after his sudden and seeming coldness today in our "need to inform you only" communication, I am left feeling less sure. Rango's ability to unpredictably change his mind last minute over previously resolved decisions, has often frustrated and even infuriated me. But today's volatility in changing his mind about starting couples therapy this week has left me somewhat confused, insecure and insecure (yes, you read that right, I meant to say insecure twice).

For so long my source of strength came from knowing that Rango would always be there for me, despite my rants about never wanting to be dependent on anyone else ever again after a failed first love. And now it seems this is exactly where I have found myself, however far, far worse. I still love the man, but it's a bitter sweet love and one that's no longer healthy for either of us. My whole foundation and reason for being seem to have dissolved and all I am left with .......... is me. Needing to make friends with, getting to know and like ..... hell, LOVE(!), just me .......

So here I am, a lost being, trying (struggling but trying nevertheless) to become whole again. They say everything gets better with time and that's all fair and well, but it's time that is the killer.

But I clutch to the deep knowing that exquisite pain is far better than numbness. So I try my best to remain present with it, acknowledge it, observe it and know that as I do this, time will pass.