Day 5

Today has been a lovely day despite it not starting off as planned. Yet whilst I type this I can't help but feel a slight angst and perhaps insecurity. At what precisely, I am not sure.....

You see I went hiking today which meant I had to put in an appearance at home to fetch my furry babies. It's never easy going back home and knowing this is your home too, but you can't be there. Walking up the familiar entrance staircase, bumping into the neighbor, being greeted by the animals with an abundance of love, and seeing all the items that were once mine to use (and clearly abuse), seemed to knock the wind out of me as sharp anxiety arose. Anxiety over what you might say? Well, over the doubt that this selfish season I am in is ridiculous and is hurting others, in that my place is there but I have abandoned it, and I suppose ultimately in that one day I may have to say goodbye to my home and all the things i love and hold dearest, permanently. But most critically and intimately, in the fear that one day I may no longer be welcomed or wanted there. That scares me the most.

However, I think that the weekend helps to ease matters somewhat in that I am able to freely, and without concern for time, pop out to friends or gym without worrying about chores or the need to get ready for work, and in that way I am better distracted. But this isn't the purpose of this mission I am on, my mission is to be alone to seek my truth and understand my path forward, however difficult that may be. Although the decision to move out was ultimately mine, I fear becoming even more disconnected from my husband and losing my marriage. But this is the risk I have to take for it will either improve or destroy what was either always or never meant to be. It's the old addage about if you love something set it free, if it was yours to keep it will return. Cliche I know but yet so valid.

I actually spent an hour with Rango yesterday and another one today too, and although it felt weird and estranged, I know he is trying as hard as I to figure things out. It still doesn't give me the comfort of knowing that we will be alright and that we will someday return to our marital dwelling ... and one can always allow for a little bit of wild optimism and hope for a state of marital bliss (if there is actually such a thing?). Going back home and dropping my furry babies off was devastating. It felt completely wrong and just broke my heart to see the critters yearningly peep through the window as I drove away.

I would like to have the luxury of saying that I have been on one hell of an emotional rollercoaster so far, but that would be an understatement. I feel like I have been whipped up off the ground in an agry tornado, found temporary and deceitful peace in the eye and then abruptly hurtled back down to the ground with a thud, run over by a steam roller, jerked back and forth in quick succession several times, spun around at high velocity until slowing down to a grinding halt .... I feel completely struck static. Left standing in scarecrow pose with straw for legs and a stick for a back brace. Now I am to find some form or state of equilibrium but my senses are as confused as a bat in a nightclub, strobe lights flashing and music so loud echo location is futile. We can laugh at the description but the reality bites.

I just cling onto the vague sense, seemingly less tangible now after a few days, that everything will be alright. I ponder whether he misses me, and if so does he miss me as his friend, companion and lover? Or does he just miss having a "someone" there? Of course, I don't have the answers right now so I will have to be patient and try to remain present with these thoughts and emotions. And to remember that I am strong, I am whole and my happiness is number one.