Today was a beautiful day spent hiking on the slopes of a mountain trail. So many colourful flowers and interesting rocks, sometimes Mother Nature astounds me.
But this hike was even more interesting than any of my previous hikes in that I decided to share my special place, my peice of heaven, with Rango. You see hiking is something I like doing, not something that Rango would specifically do, but he made a compromise and joined me. For me hiking is very therapeutic. It is almost as if with each step you take you are letting go of the old and accepting the new. I also think the subconscious deals with the weeks events and replays conversations whilst the body is in transit, which allows for clearer thinking and new perspective. Or perhaps it's just the clean, fresh mountain air or combination thereof.
We took our two little furry babies with us which made it even more special. They had the opportunity to run free because of the isolation of the reserve. To watch their glee, curiosity and pure joy at being liberated from their shackles and delight their senses is something incredible to observe. They truly are mans best friend and lifelong companions. Willing to walk by your side no matter what! All the while the bond between man and dog strengthing. Hiking is a very healing and intimate process to share with your companions, whether they be human or animal and I for one am happy to say that we did it.
Back at my "holiday" apartment I have calculated that I have less than two weeks rental time left and need to start considering in earnest what my next move will be. Do I move back home and try to start again? Will relations revert to old "die hard" habits or will we have found a new connection now? Will the space and energy have had enough time to heal and accept our newly established boundareis? All these questions are difficult to answer with the mind, one needs to listen very closely and very quietly to the heart to hear the answer.......... So my next quest is to start Transcendental Meditation. I will let you know how this experience plays out in posts yet to come.
Good night dear readers. May your week be kind to you and may you find beauty in the small things that really count the most.
Sunday, 27 January 2013
Friday, 25 January 2013
Friday Nights
It's weird you know. Ever since my separation I have spent every Friday night by myself, at home reading or phaffing over something or other. I thought that I would choose to be out and about, socializing and having fun but its been quite the opposite. I have become accustomed to my own company and the silence that permeates my evenings in my little "holiday" apartment.
Tonight I decided to go to gym to while away the hours. Something I have been doing quite a bit of in the last three weeks but previously couldn't find a spare moment for. I have been pondering why this could be and what changes within me that I feel more free to do these things when alone. The only cause I can think of is that I feel responsible for only myself whilst living alone whereas in my marital home, I feel the full weight of all my responsibilities and somehow feel guilty for taking time out for myself. This is something I need to work on, especially if I am to return to my marriage and make it work. I have to be able to continue putting myself first to allow for our marriage to survive. Strange dichotomy that.
On the other hand, I may discover that I want to remain in a place of my own and perhaps just "date" my husband again for a while. I wonder what societies rules are for that? It would no doubt seem very strange to others that Rango and I are married yet live in separate homes. I wonder if there are any precedents for this sort of thing? I guess it doesn't really matter what others think, it's all about what's best for us and what makes us happy. Nevertheless, I would be interested to hear if anyone has ever tried this out and what the outcome was.
Tomorrow marks the second session of our Imago Relationship Therapy session and I am eager to see how this pans out. The first one went well with Rango and I having to engage what is called the Couples Dialogue. Essentially it facilitates the one partner entering your realm to have a better understanding of how he/she feels about a certain issue and for the learning partner to truly empathize. It was ground breaking stuff but we lost the connection as soon as we went our separate ways again. I am hoping tomorrow will be different as we have decided to spend the afternoon and evening together so we will have hopefully maximized the full potential of the session. I will keep you posted on the results.
Until the next post dear readers, stay well and have a wonderful weekend. Remember to appreciate each moment you have, the good and the bad, for the most growth is found in the most difficult of situations.
Ciao and good night!
Tonight I decided to go to gym to while away the hours. Something I have been doing quite a bit of in the last three weeks but previously couldn't find a spare moment for. I have been pondering why this could be and what changes within me that I feel more free to do these things when alone. The only cause I can think of is that I feel responsible for only myself whilst living alone whereas in my marital home, I feel the full weight of all my responsibilities and somehow feel guilty for taking time out for myself. This is something I need to work on, especially if I am to return to my marriage and make it work. I have to be able to continue putting myself first to allow for our marriage to survive. Strange dichotomy that.
On the other hand, I may discover that I want to remain in a place of my own and perhaps just "date" my husband again for a while. I wonder what societies rules are for that? It would no doubt seem very strange to others that Rango and I are married yet live in separate homes. I wonder if there are any precedents for this sort of thing? I guess it doesn't really matter what others think, it's all about what's best for us and what makes us happy. Nevertheless, I would be interested to hear if anyone has ever tried this out and what the outcome was.
Tomorrow marks the second session of our Imago Relationship Therapy session and I am eager to see how this pans out. The first one went well with Rango and I having to engage what is called the Couples Dialogue. Essentially it facilitates the one partner entering your realm to have a better understanding of how he/she feels about a certain issue and for the learning partner to truly empathize. It was ground breaking stuff but we lost the connection as soon as we went our separate ways again. I am hoping tomorrow will be different as we have decided to spend the afternoon and evening together so we will have hopefully maximized the full potential of the session. I will keep you posted on the results.
Until the next post dear readers, stay well and have a wonderful weekend. Remember to appreciate each moment you have, the good and the bad, for the most growth is found in the most difficult of situations.
Ciao and good night!
Thursday, 24 January 2013
Sometimes ....
Life can feel as bare as this tree when compared to the lush flora and fauna that surround it. But if you look closely, you'll identify the beauty in its bark and remember it for its striking presence. This is the nature of my quest .....
Day ..... 17
So I've lost track of what day it is ... I had to literally count and couldn't believe it when I realized it's been more than two weeks already since I moved out of my home and left my family.
When looking back I can honestly say that there have been times when I've felt terrific but then there have been equally low times too. But I have to say that it's been great getting to know me again. It's been a long time since I've spent time with me ... And I mean the REAL me.
Having the freedom to listen to the music that I want, come home at any time without having to worry about feeding anyone, staying up late without worrying about the bedside lamp being on and eating whatever I feel like at any point of the day.
So I guess it goes without saying that when you lose track of time you are having a good time and whilst this is case in point, I have also had the pleasant and sometimes unpleasant distraction of work to help time pass quickly. Such is life! We all need to survive in this race for rodents ... Or is it? You see, experiencing freedom after conforming for so long makes you question what else you can break free from. The shackles of society start to feel virtual. Can one simply log off to feel free? Where would one find the log off button? Wish it was as simple as this but alas it's not. If you were given the opportunity to take the red or the blue pill which one would it be? Ignorance is bliss or the hard, cold responsibility of knowing?
Somehow, I think that despite how free I wish to be, my curiosity always wins ... Ignorance is something I fear ironically enough. And hence my soul searching exercise /mid life crisis ..... It's alright if you just never know but it's not alright if you know that you just never knew ..... That
mystery, that gravity toward needing to just know, is way too strong for me not to find out. So that's me in a nutshell, I would rather burn my fingers finding out that the plate was hot than never touching it and just never knowing. There are more like me, this I know .....
When looking back I can honestly say that there have been times when I've felt terrific but then there have been equally low times too. But I have to say that it's been great getting to know me again. It's been a long time since I've spent time with me ... And I mean the REAL me.
Having the freedom to listen to the music that I want, come home at any time without having to worry about feeding anyone, staying up late without worrying about the bedside lamp being on and eating whatever I feel like at any point of the day.
So I guess it goes without saying that when you lose track of time you are having a good time and whilst this is case in point, I have also had the pleasant and sometimes unpleasant distraction of work to help time pass quickly. Such is life! We all need to survive in this race for rodents ... Or is it? You see, experiencing freedom after conforming for so long makes you question what else you can break free from. The shackles of society start to feel virtual. Can one simply log off to feel free? Where would one find the log off button? Wish it was as simple as this but alas it's not. If you were given the opportunity to take the red or the blue pill which one would it be? Ignorance is bliss or the hard, cold responsibility of knowing?
Somehow, I think that despite how free I wish to be, my curiosity always wins ... Ignorance is something I fear ironically enough. And hence my soul searching exercise /mid life crisis ..... It's alright if you just never know but it's not alright if you know that you just never knew ..... That
mystery, that gravity toward needing to just know, is way too strong for me not to find out. So that's me in a nutshell, I would rather burn my fingers finding out that the plate was hot than never touching it and just never knowing. There are more like me, this I know .....
Thursday, 17 January 2013
Are you a Fuser or an Isolator?
"An Isolator: someone who unconsciously pushes others away. They keep people at a distance because they need to have a "lot of space" around them; they want the freedom to come and go as they please and they don't want to be pinned down to a single relationship.
A Fuser: people who seem to have an insatiable need for closeness. Fusers want to do things together all the time. If people fail to show up at the appointed time, they feel abandoned. The thought of divorce fills them with terror. They crave physical affection and reassurance, and they often need to stay in constant verbal contact."
This is an excerpt from the beginning of the book: "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix.
Reading the above definitions and learning that most often Fusers marry Isolators, and vice verse, for the need to fulfil the part of them they have repressed through childhood experiences, has seriously opened my eyes. This very succinctly describes Rango and I and the further descriptions later on in the book only serve to reinforce my new found realisations.
I once had a party at my house that was so wonderful that when everyone left, and Rango promptly went to bed and fell asleep immediately, I found myself in a sudden and strange state of anxiety. Over what, I had no idea at all. I found myself in the kitchen eating a naartjie to try and fill some void that clearly wasn't an empty stomach but rather a sense of emptiness within me. I have no idea where the tears came from but they just jumped out at me mid-field and flowed like a ripe river in rainy season. I was so devastated that I could nothing to stop the sobbing. What made it worse was that I had no real idea why I felt so utterly and completely gutted. So I did what most Fusers would do and called a dear friend. She talked and joked and did her very best to cheer me up and try to get me to go to bed so I would come off this little self pity wobble I was on. Eventually she resorted to telling me it was that damn naartjie that made me cry and I should never have eaten it! Finally gave in and we laughed until I said goodbye and went to bed. Ever since then we have come to know the occasion as "The Nasty Naartjie Episode".
I can look back now and laugh at myself but these feelings still come up time and time again. I cannot handle the feeling that arises within me when we come to the end of an evening or event and everyone is going home. I can now attribute it to the fact that I feel abandoned. However, the book is about so much more, the essence suggesting that we seek partners that are similar to the "caretakers" (note, not necessarily parents as Freud theorised) in order to heal our childhood hurts and we unconsciously expect our partners to do this for us. When we realise this is not going to happen, we both engage in a power struggle and eventually disconnect. This is precisely where I have found myself. And this precisely explains why I have this great fear of abandonment: it has resulted from childhood experiences. Can you imagine what an epiphany this has been for me as I have hidden this knowledge from myself for over thirty years! I could not even comprehend my own behaviour before but now it all makes perfect sense.
As for the Isolator part, this describes Rango with an exactness that's eerie. Isolators come across as being less needy and almost perfectly self sufficient, yet I have known all along that is not the case. It always seemed to me to be more of an unavailability emotionally and that is exactly how Isolators become once they realise their childhood needs are not going to be fulfilled either. Isolators stem from overbearing caretakers where the child seeks autonomy to the point that he denies any need from the parent and ultimately the partner they land up with. Isolators don't seem to have any needs or desires and they tend to hide their thoughts and feelings, sometimes to the extent that even they don't know how they feel.
So what does this mean in terms of a relationship where predominantly Fusers and Isolators are attracted to each other? Ultimately the Fuser and Isolator qualities that brought the couple together are the very same qualities that can cause the relationship to self-destruct. Now there's some food for thought!
This man, Dr Hendrix, is an incredibly gifted man who has saved many marriages. I will be eternally grateful to him for writing this book. Hell, for dedicating his life to helping married couples! I feel like I have finally found the answers I have been looking for all this time. The strange thing is that when reading these words of wisdom, I knew deep inside that I already knew all of this, it was just waiting to be acknowledged by my conscious mind. Such complex and strange creatures we are. And how we manage to complicate things that on the surface seem so simple. I think more and more how life is a labyrinth and just when you think you have a handle on where you are going, you turn another hedge only to find you've gone the wrong way again. But I guess that is how we learn, like rats in lab tests through a series of process and elimination.
With that thought, it's time to eliminate the matchsticks from my eyelids and get some sleep! Good night dear friends! I hope you have found this post as helpful as I did when reading the book and if you want know more, keep reading! Or else going out and buy the book for the sake of your own personal development.
Ciao and Sleep Tight!
A Fuser: people who seem to have an insatiable need for closeness. Fusers want to do things together all the time. If people fail to show up at the appointed time, they feel abandoned. The thought of divorce fills them with terror. They crave physical affection and reassurance, and they often need to stay in constant verbal contact."
This is an excerpt from the beginning of the book: "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix.
Reading the above definitions and learning that most often Fusers marry Isolators, and vice verse, for the need to fulfil the part of them they have repressed through childhood experiences, has seriously opened my eyes. This very succinctly describes Rango and I and the further descriptions later on in the book only serve to reinforce my new found realisations.
I once had a party at my house that was so wonderful that when everyone left, and Rango promptly went to bed and fell asleep immediately, I found myself in a sudden and strange state of anxiety. Over what, I had no idea at all. I found myself in the kitchen eating a naartjie to try and fill some void that clearly wasn't an empty stomach but rather a sense of emptiness within me. I have no idea where the tears came from but they just jumped out at me mid-field and flowed like a ripe river in rainy season. I was so devastated that I could nothing to stop the sobbing. What made it worse was that I had no real idea why I felt so utterly and completely gutted. So I did what most Fusers would do and called a dear friend. She talked and joked and did her very best to cheer me up and try to get me to go to bed so I would come off this little self pity wobble I was on. Eventually she resorted to telling me it was that damn naartjie that made me cry and I should never have eaten it! Finally gave in and we laughed until I said goodbye and went to bed. Ever since then we have come to know the occasion as "The Nasty Naartjie Episode".
I can look back now and laugh at myself but these feelings still come up time and time again. I cannot handle the feeling that arises within me when we come to the end of an evening or event and everyone is going home. I can now attribute it to the fact that I feel abandoned. However, the book is about so much more, the essence suggesting that we seek partners that are similar to the "caretakers" (note, not necessarily parents as Freud theorised) in order to heal our childhood hurts and we unconsciously expect our partners to do this for us. When we realise this is not going to happen, we both engage in a power struggle and eventually disconnect. This is precisely where I have found myself. And this precisely explains why I have this great fear of abandonment: it has resulted from childhood experiences. Can you imagine what an epiphany this has been for me as I have hidden this knowledge from myself for over thirty years! I could not even comprehend my own behaviour before but now it all makes perfect sense.
As for the Isolator part, this describes Rango with an exactness that's eerie. Isolators come across as being less needy and almost perfectly self sufficient, yet I have known all along that is not the case. It always seemed to me to be more of an unavailability emotionally and that is exactly how Isolators become once they realise their childhood needs are not going to be fulfilled either. Isolators stem from overbearing caretakers where the child seeks autonomy to the point that he denies any need from the parent and ultimately the partner they land up with. Isolators don't seem to have any needs or desires and they tend to hide their thoughts and feelings, sometimes to the extent that even they don't know how they feel.
So what does this mean in terms of a relationship where predominantly Fusers and Isolators are attracted to each other? Ultimately the Fuser and Isolator qualities that brought the couple together are the very same qualities that can cause the relationship to self-destruct. Now there's some food for thought!
This man, Dr Hendrix, is an incredibly gifted man who has saved many marriages. I will be eternally grateful to him for writing this book. Hell, for dedicating his life to helping married couples! I feel like I have finally found the answers I have been looking for all this time. The strange thing is that when reading these words of wisdom, I knew deep inside that I already knew all of this, it was just waiting to be acknowledged by my conscious mind. Such complex and strange creatures we are. And how we manage to complicate things that on the surface seem so simple. I think more and more how life is a labyrinth and just when you think you have a handle on where you are going, you turn another hedge only to find you've gone the wrong way again. But I guess that is how we learn, like rats in lab tests through a series of process and elimination.
With that thought, it's time to eliminate the matchsticks from my eyelids and get some sleep! Good night dear friends! I hope you have found this post as helpful as I did when reading the book and if you want know more, keep reading! Or else going out and buy the book for the sake of your own personal development.
Ciao and Sleep Tight!
Wednesday, 16 January 2013
True but so Insane!!!
"Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed."
~ Albert Einstein
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed."
~ Albert Einstein
Monday, 14 January 2013
Day 7
It has now been exactly one week since I left my home and my family. It has been a difficult week and probably one of the slowest in a long time, but I feel I have learnt more about myself in this one week than I have in a year!
I am not going to say too much in this post except to highly commend Dr. Harville Hendrix for writing one of the most enlightening books on relationships I have read to date! The book is called "Getting the Love You Want" and is so insightful I think it might just save my marriage. Both Rango and myself are reading the book in our desperate attempts to sustain what we have left in our relationship. We're both recognising so much the book talks about in both ourselves and each other it feels like someone has turned up the lights and I can finally see properly. And, for the first time in years, my husband is understanding what I have been trying to tell him. I feel like throwing my arms up in the air and screaming: "Hallelujah!!!!" And I am not religious!
In addition to the book, there are therapists trained in this very unique technique called Imago Relationship Therapy that Dr Hendrix has developed over the last thirty odd years. So many therapies today focus on the individual and all that happened in the individuals past, blah di blah di blah di fish paste.... one starts to yawn at the thought of the amount of time wasted in these therapies that just never seem to do any good. Instead, this Imago Relationship Therapy focuses on the relationship itself and teaches us to understand why we do the things we do, and what causes the relationship to go wrong once there is a commitment from both parties (sound familiar?) Fascinating stuff! And I am only eighty pages into the book but I will certainly keep you posted on further developments.
I bid you adieu tonight with the first glimmer of hope on the horizon .... let's hope its not an oncoming train ...... :)
I am not going to say too much in this post except to highly commend Dr. Harville Hendrix for writing one of the most enlightening books on relationships I have read to date! The book is called "Getting the Love You Want" and is so insightful I think it might just save my marriage. Both Rango and myself are reading the book in our desperate attempts to sustain what we have left in our relationship. We're both recognising so much the book talks about in both ourselves and each other it feels like someone has turned up the lights and I can finally see properly. And, for the first time in years, my husband is understanding what I have been trying to tell him. I feel like throwing my arms up in the air and screaming: "Hallelujah!!!!" And I am not religious!
In addition to the book, there are therapists trained in this very unique technique called Imago Relationship Therapy that Dr Hendrix has developed over the last thirty odd years. So many therapies today focus on the individual and all that happened in the individuals past, blah di blah di blah di fish paste.... one starts to yawn at the thought of the amount of time wasted in these therapies that just never seem to do any good. Instead, this Imago Relationship Therapy focuses on the relationship itself and teaches us to understand why we do the things we do, and what causes the relationship to go wrong once there is a commitment from both parties (sound familiar?) Fascinating stuff! And I am only eighty pages into the book but I will certainly keep you posted on further developments.
I bid you adieu tonight with the first glimmer of hope on the horizon .... let's hope its not an oncoming train ...... :)
Sunday, 13 January 2013
Day 5
Today has been a lovely day despite it not starting off as planned. Yet whilst I type this I can't help but feel a slight angst and perhaps insecurity. At what precisely, I am not sure.....
You see I went hiking today which meant I had to put in an appearance at home to fetch my furry babies. It's never easy going back home and knowing this is your home too, but you can't be there. Walking up the familiar entrance staircase, bumping into the neighbor, being greeted by the animals with an abundance of love, and seeing all the items that were once mine to use (and clearly abuse), seemed to knock the wind out of me as sharp anxiety arose. Anxiety over what you might say? Well, over the doubt that this selfish season I am in is ridiculous and is hurting others, in that my place is there but I have abandoned it, and I suppose ultimately in that one day I may have to say goodbye to my home and all the things i love and hold dearest, permanently. But most critically and intimately, in the fear that one day I may no longer be welcomed or wanted there. That scares me the most.
However, I think that the weekend helps to ease matters somewhat in that I am able to freely, and without concern for time, pop out to friends or gym without worrying about chores or the need to get ready for work, and in that way I am better distracted. But this isn't the purpose of this mission I am on, my mission is to be alone to seek my truth and understand my path forward, however difficult that may be. Although the decision to move out was ultimately mine, I fear becoming even more disconnected from my husband and losing my marriage. But this is the risk I have to take for it will either improve or destroy what was either always or never meant to be. It's the old addage about if you love something set it free, if it was yours to keep it will return. Cliche I know but yet so valid.
I actually spent an hour with Rango yesterday and another one today too, and although it felt weird and estranged, I know he is trying as hard as I to figure things out. It still doesn't give me the comfort of knowing that we will be alright and that we will someday return to our marital dwelling ... and one can always allow for a little bit of wild optimism and hope for a state of marital bliss (if there is actually such a thing?). Going back home and dropping my furry babies off was devastating. It felt completely wrong and just broke my heart to see the critters yearningly peep through the window as I drove away.
I would like to have the luxury of saying that I have been on one hell of an emotional rollercoaster so far, but that would be an understatement. I feel like I have been whipped up off the ground in an agry tornado, found temporary and deceitful peace in the eye and then abruptly hurtled back down to the ground with a thud, run over by a steam roller, jerked back and forth in quick succession several times, spun around at high velocity until slowing down to a grinding halt .... I feel completely struck static. Left standing in scarecrow pose with straw for legs and a stick for a back brace. Now I am to find some form or state of equilibrium but my senses are as confused as a bat in a nightclub, strobe lights flashing and music so loud echo location is futile. We can laugh at the description but the reality bites.
I just cling onto the vague sense, seemingly less tangible now after a few days, that everything will be alright. I ponder whether he misses me, and if so does he miss me as his friend, companion and lover? Or does he just miss having a "someone" there? Of course, I don't have the answers right now so I will have to be patient and try to remain present with these thoughts and emotions. And to remember that I am strong, I am whole and my happiness is number one.
You see I went hiking today which meant I had to put in an appearance at home to fetch my furry babies. It's never easy going back home and knowing this is your home too, but you can't be there. Walking up the familiar entrance staircase, bumping into the neighbor, being greeted by the animals with an abundance of love, and seeing all the items that were once mine to use (and clearly abuse), seemed to knock the wind out of me as sharp anxiety arose. Anxiety over what you might say? Well, over the doubt that this selfish season I am in is ridiculous and is hurting others, in that my place is there but I have abandoned it, and I suppose ultimately in that one day I may have to say goodbye to my home and all the things i love and hold dearest, permanently. But most critically and intimately, in the fear that one day I may no longer be welcomed or wanted there. That scares me the most.
However, I think that the weekend helps to ease matters somewhat in that I am able to freely, and without concern for time, pop out to friends or gym without worrying about chores or the need to get ready for work, and in that way I am better distracted. But this isn't the purpose of this mission I am on, my mission is to be alone to seek my truth and understand my path forward, however difficult that may be. Although the decision to move out was ultimately mine, I fear becoming even more disconnected from my husband and losing my marriage. But this is the risk I have to take for it will either improve or destroy what was either always or never meant to be. It's the old addage about if you love something set it free, if it was yours to keep it will return. Cliche I know but yet so valid.
I actually spent an hour with Rango yesterday and another one today too, and although it felt weird and estranged, I know he is trying as hard as I to figure things out. It still doesn't give me the comfort of knowing that we will be alright and that we will someday return to our marital dwelling ... and one can always allow for a little bit of wild optimism and hope for a state of marital bliss (if there is actually such a thing?). Going back home and dropping my furry babies off was devastating. It felt completely wrong and just broke my heart to see the critters yearningly peep through the window as I drove away.
I would like to have the luxury of saying that I have been on one hell of an emotional rollercoaster so far, but that would be an understatement. I feel like I have been whipped up off the ground in an agry tornado, found temporary and deceitful peace in the eye and then abruptly hurtled back down to the ground with a thud, run over by a steam roller, jerked back and forth in quick succession several times, spun around at high velocity until slowing down to a grinding halt .... I feel completely struck static. Left standing in scarecrow pose with straw for legs and a stick for a back brace. Now I am to find some form or state of equilibrium but my senses are as confused as a bat in a nightclub, strobe lights flashing and music so loud echo location is futile. We can laugh at the description but the reality bites.
I just cling onto the vague sense, seemingly less tangible now after a few days, that everything will be alright. I ponder whether he misses me, and if so does he miss me as his friend, companion and lover? Or does he just miss having a "someone" there? Of course, I don't have the answers right now so I will have to be patient and try to remain present with these thoughts and emotions. And to remember that I am strong, I am whole and my happiness is number one.
Saturday, 12 January 2013
Day 3
So today's been the third night on my own in this "holiday" apartment. Thank goodness the neighbors aren't fighting again tonight. That's a huge relief!
Although I feel like not much has changed in my "aloneness" (since I always felt alone when I was at home anyway), I miss Rango (my husband), home and our animals. But I have also tremendously enjoyed having the freedom to come and go as I see fit and do whatever I feel like doing at any given point in time. WOW! I cannot recall the last time I was able to do that! For the first time since my teens, I am putting me first and it feels great! For so many years people have been telling me to do this, but only now do I truly realize how precisely true this is or even fully comprehend the profound wisdom in this.
However, don't let this evangelistic behavior fool you, this new found freedom has come at a price. And it is because of this price that tonight I feel rather sad. After my initial two days of elation I have come back down to planet earth and am starting to come to terms with how sad I am at the state of the situation Rango and I have gotten into, the state of our marriage. I am saddened that my freedom meant hurting the man I love. I am saddened by the hurt this has caused my children. I am saddened at having to leave my animals and anxious that they pine for me. But mostly I am saddened that I am feeling so hurt and that I have allowed myself to be hurt, because I didn't love myself enough to stand up for myself and my needs for the last twenty years. I am sad, angry, hurt, resentful, conflicted and torn.
Through the past two days I have felt confident that Rango was committed to making things work and that he still actually cared for me. But after his sudden and seeming coldness today in our "need to inform you only" communication, I am left feeling less sure. Rango's ability to unpredictably change his mind last minute over previously resolved decisions, has often frustrated and even infuriated me. But today's volatility in changing his mind about starting couples therapy this week has left me somewhat confused, insecure and insecure (yes, you read that right, I meant to say insecure twice).
For so long my source of strength came from knowing that Rango would always be there for me, despite my rants about never wanting to be dependent on anyone else ever again after a failed first love. And now it seems this is exactly where I have found myself, however far, far worse. I still love the man, but it's a bitter sweet love and one that's no longer healthy for either of us. My whole foundation and reason for being seem to have dissolved and all I am left with .......... is me. Needing to make friends with, getting to know and like ..... hell, LOVE(!), just me .......
So here I am, a lost being, trying (struggling but trying nevertheless) to become whole again. They say everything gets better with time and that's all fair and well, but it's time that is the killer.
But I clutch to the deep knowing that exquisite pain is far better than numbness. So I try my best to remain present with it, acknowledge it, observe it and know that as I do this, time will pass.
Although I feel like not much has changed in my "aloneness" (since I always felt alone when I was at home anyway), I miss Rango (my husband), home and our animals. But I have also tremendously enjoyed having the freedom to come and go as I see fit and do whatever I feel like doing at any given point in time. WOW! I cannot recall the last time I was able to do that! For the first time since my teens, I am putting me first and it feels great! For so many years people have been telling me to do this, but only now do I truly realize how precisely true this is or even fully comprehend the profound wisdom in this.
However, don't let this evangelistic behavior fool you, this new found freedom has come at a price. And it is because of this price that tonight I feel rather sad. After my initial two days of elation I have come back down to planet earth and am starting to come to terms with how sad I am at the state of the situation Rango and I have gotten into, the state of our marriage. I am saddened that my freedom meant hurting the man I love. I am saddened by the hurt this has caused my children. I am saddened at having to leave my animals and anxious that they pine for me. But mostly I am saddened that I am feeling so hurt and that I have allowed myself to be hurt, because I didn't love myself enough to stand up for myself and my needs for the last twenty years. I am sad, angry, hurt, resentful, conflicted and torn.
Through the past two days I have felt confident that Rango was committed to making things work and that he still actually cared for me. But after his sudden and seeming coldness today in our "need to inform you only" communication, I am left feeling less sure. Rango's ability to unpredictably change his mind last minute over previously resolved decisions, has often frustrated and even infuriated me. But today's volatility in changing his mind about starting couples therapy this week has left me somewhat confused, insecure and insecure (yes, you read that right, I meant to say insecure twice).
For so long my source of strength came from knowing that Rango would always be there for me, despite my rants about never wanting to be dependent on anyone else ever again after a failed first love. And now it seems this is exactly where I have found myself, however far, far worse. I still love the man, but it's a bitter sweet love and one that's no longer healthy for either of us. My whole foundation and reason for being seem to have dissolved and all I am left with .......... is me. Needing to make friends with, getting to know and like ..... hell, LOVE(!), just me .......
So here I am, a lost being, trying (struggling but trying nevertheless) to become whole again. They say everything gets better with time and that's all fair and well, but it's time that is the killer.
But I clutch to the deep knowing that exquisite pain is far better than numbness. So I try my best to remain present with it, acknowledge it, observe it and know that as I do this, time will pass.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)